6.19.18 | first choice
it's frustrating to be so painfully aware that I am nobody's first choice.
at one point, my therapist asked me why I think I seemingly, only attract girls who like to use me, girls who don't want to commit because they don't really want me, girls who see me as a second choice.
I wish I had an answer for her, because then at least I could change it, edit it, revise it, rework it until it's fixed and no one will ever see me and utilize me as a second choice (or third, fourth, fifth), ever again.
but I'm your "sometimes" and never your "always." I'm only good for throwing a line and pulling in, never good enough to be kept.
sometimes I like to pretend that it's a "you" problem, that maybe it isn't my fault, then gradually my mind is stuck in a loop, wondering why the fuck I can never be good enough.
and then I think about her.
I'm only good enough for her when she's drunk, unable to keep her tongue in her mouth, and when there is nobody else within her reach.
she admits she gets jealous when I talk about somebody else, so I make sure their name slowly drips from my lips while we make eye contact across the dinner table.
I'm nobody's first choice, not even my own.
this is where I start.
if I learn to love myself, then will I finally be enough to be your number one?
at one point, my therapist asked me why I think I seemingly, only attract girls who like to use me, girls who don't want to commit because they don't really want me, girls who see me as a second choice.
I wish I had an answer for her, because then at least I could change it, edit it, revise it, rework it until it's fixed and no one will ever see me and utilize me as a second choice (or third, fourth, fifth), ever again.
but I'm your "sometimes" and never your "always." I'm only good for throwing a line and pulling in, never good enough to be kept.
sometimes I like to pretend that it's a "you" problem, that maybe it isn't my fault, then gradually my mind is stuck in a loop, wondering why the fuck I can never be good enough.
and then I think about her.
I'm only good enough for her when she's drunk, unable to keep her tongue in her mouth, and when there is nobody else within her reach.
she admits she gets jealous when I talk about somebody else, so I make sure their name slowly drips from my lips while we make eye contact across the dinner table.
I'm nobody's first choice, not even my own.
this is where I start.
if I learn to love myself, then will I finally be enough to be your number one?
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