5.29.18 | a late night stream of consciousness

we didn't talk last night.
just a simple "goodnight" text decorated with emojis.
that was all, that was it.
quick and easy and simple -- all the things we are not.
maybe it's wrong of me, but I am relieved.
I need space, I just don't know how to say it.
I can't -- how am I supposed to when I feel so trapped?
so trapped by myself and my own choices.
you've locked me in, possibly unknowingly.
if I never kissed you that night, this wouldn't have happened.
I don't want to hurt you.
once I sent that letter, I knew there was no going back so now I anxiously await your reply, or better yet, your reaction.
there's a lipstick print that I shouldn't have made,
that same lipstick you know and love.
it's placed at the end of the page that was filled with the honesty that continued to flow with every swipe of my pencil.
it's not fun being stuck in this labyrinth of feelings, where a new surprise awaits me at every turn.
there's no getting out, that simply isn't an option at this point -- I am left to wander and explore for the rest of my life, whether long or short.
I can't get her out of my heart, she's at every corner of this maze, a dead end.
perhaps that's all she'll ever be.
a dead end in a maze of infinite possibilities.
at one point, I thought she'd be the exit, the finale of this maze of suffering.
but doubt now surrounds this theory as walls were built higher and higher.
I've written pages and pages, but now the ink is running out, the maze is growing, and I've lost hope on finding a way out.