4.9.18 | about 4.7.18

I wish I could remember last night as well as I had initially hoped.
I barely remember anything and it scares me.
Nothing ever goes the way I plan, so maybe I should just stop planning.
But the second her body came in contact with mine, dangerously close, hands mindlessly through my hair, everything inside of me was on fire and I needed to get out.
The fire burned all the way down my throat and continued to burn throughout the night.
It was 7:30 and I was doomed, there was no going back after that first shot, a huge gulp of rubbing alcohol, plastic water bottle crushing beneath my fingertips.
They left me alone and I have never felt lonelier.
I wanted to drunk cry, to scream, to let it all out in the sanctuary I've created here, but none of that happened. Instead, I ended up drunk worrying about everything and everyone except for myself.
I thought drunk crying was what I needed, but maybe I need a sober cry.
I wanted to stop feeling, but maybe I need to feel everything I'm avoiding.
I want to cry, but tears just won't come out.