4.5.18 | gambling

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She asked me what I knew about the concept of rewards in psychology and I admitted I didn't know much.
"Well, there are rewards that come from a certain behavior, like training a dog - they know if they sit when told, they'll get a treat. But then there are rewards that come at random - that's gambling. You know if you sit long enough pulling the lever of a slot machine, or at that blackjack table, eventually, you'll win,"
I nodded along, unsure of where she was going with this.
"That's what's happening here - you know that you'll wait and wait and wait and sooner or later, you'll get your reward," Suddenly it was making sense. "So you'll wait and you'll get a reward and then be anxiously looking forward to your next fix."
I took this in, reflecting on my feelings the past few months, hell, the past few years. "What you're saying is... I'm gambling with my heart."
"Yes, you know you'll be rewarded, you just don't know when... that's why gambling becomes a problem for some people. They hold on, waiting to win and lose everything in the process."
I've been gambling with my heart for so long and I just don't know how to walk away.
Will I win this time?
Will I ever win this game?

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