2.13.18

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I don't know what I'm doing in life - genuinely, in all aspects, in complete and total fucking honesty.
I just have no clue what the fuck is going on in my life anymore, and I don't know what's happening, or how to change anything, or how to regain any sort of small inkling of the control I once cherished.
The future terrifies me, but the present scares me even more. There is no comfort in the past anymore, because now, the greatness of what once was just makes me the saddest I could ever be.
It seems like I'm just existing, taking up space, using up valuable oxygen, inhabiting a body that's past its due date.
I'm tired all the time, I'm confused all the time, I'm lonely all the time, and everything hurts all the time.
Emotional and physical pain have become synonymous because one cannot exist without the other. Anxiety has sent me into sweating, crying, throbbing sickness, illness spirals me into a sadness I feel so deeply in my lungs and heart.
I don't know what I'm doing here, but for the longest time I told myself "things will get better, just wait for it, the storm doesn't last forever, you always get through it."
But I've been telling myself this for months now and I'm beginning to lose my voice.

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