2.13.18 | pre-Valentine's Day Musings
As I finally sit down to write this, beneath red Christmas lights that are still oddly fitting, it is 10:31 PM, meaning that Valentine's Day will officially wash over us and drown us in under two hours.
I honestly hate this fucking holiday, way more than the others that I loathe (don't even talk to me on Mother's Day), but it genuinely isn't for the cliché reason that makes it easy to hate on Valentine's Day AKA I do not hate Valentine's Day because I am single.
I've been in a relationship on this holiday before (wild, right? I can't believe it either) and even then, my sixteen-year-old-self hated this disgusting, boujee, excessive overt display of affection and romance. My first girlfriend left a stuffed bear for me on top of my locker and I vividly remember cringing and eagerly shoving it into my locker, afraid of anyone else seeing it (partially because I was closeted and didn't want anyone asking questions, but also partially because it was just odd for me).
There's a piece of me that dislikes this holiday simply because it stands for everything I hate - romance and rose petals and chocolates and kisses and way too many social media posts boasting of all of this. I'm not a romantic, at least, not in this way. The easy way to my heart is rawness and reality and a laidback vibe few seem to possess. I don't need chocolate covered strawberries and a bouquet of flowers showing up at my doorstep to win my heart- yes, those things are nice and thoughtful and lovely and I so very much appreciate any attempts to show affection, but they're not my preferred method.
Talk to me about your day in intense detail, show me a social media post you found funny for no particular reason, tell me about that one time you wanted to give up on love, send me texts in the middle of the night just to say hello, let's drive around with no set destination and talk about everything under the stars.
Basically - I care so much about the little things and they are what mean the most to me, above any grand gesture.
But I'll admit that being single during this holiday also isn't enjoyable. In the world of social media, couples are surrounding you 24/7, every time you open your phone, there's a couple in some way, shape, or form. As if you don't have enough reminders already, this holiday really knows how to twist the knife a little bit into your already open wound.
I had a bit of a vent session a week or two ago where I just went on and on about how bored I am in my love life, so bored that I downloaded Tinder (and now refuse to acknowledge its existence in my phone), so bored that I drunkenly kissed a friend I have potential feelings for, so bored I wanted to kiss another friend who I know I could never be good enough for. Simply put, I'm bored as fuck and desperate for affection, but not as desperate as some/most people.
I have now been single since August, a whole six months. Although I feel like I've been single a lot longer than that considering the absolute shitshow of a relationship I was in last time. Being single is boring when you're not one to play around with it, or when there's no possibility of love to sneak up on you. So, Valentine's Day becomes just as boring when you're flooded with social media posts reminding you of how boring your love life really is in comparison to those flaunting Hallmark card worthy captions.
I don't know where I'm going with this, but I guess I'm just here to say that tomorrow is another day, albeit a nationally recognized gaudy holiday, but yes, another day.
As I end this at 10:53 PM, I want you to remember that it's just a day amongst the sea of others and you should try to give it your best.
I honestly hate this fucking holiday, way more than the others that I loathe (don't even talk to me on Mother's Day), but it genuinely isn't for the cliché reason that makes it easy to hate on Valentine's Day AKA I do not hate Valentine's Day because I am single.
I've been in a relationship on this holiday before (wild, right? I can't believe it either) and even then, my sixteen-year-old-self hated this disgusting, boujee, excessive overt display of affection and romance. My first girlfriend left a stuffed bear for me on top of my locker and I vividly remember cringing and eagerly shoving it into my locker, afraid of anyone else seeing it (partially because I was closeted and didn't want anyone asking questions, but also partially because it was just odd for me).
There's a piece of me that dislikes this holiday simply because it stands for everything I hate - romance and rose petals and chocolates and kisses and way too many social media posts boasting of all of this. I'm not a romantic, at least, not in this way. The easy way to my heart is rawness and reality and a laidback vibe few seem to possess. I don't need chocolate covered strawberries and a bouquet of flowers showing up at my doorstep to win my heart- yes, those things are nice and thoughtful and lovely and I so very much appreciate any attempts to show affection, but they're not my preferred method.
Talk to me about your day in intense detail, show me a social media post you found funny for no particular reason, tell me about that one time you wanted to give up on love, send me texts in the middle of the night just to say hello, let's drive around with no set destination and talk about everything under the stars.
Basically - I care so much about the little things and they are what mean the most to me, above any grand gesture.
But I'll admit that being single during this holiday also isn't enjoyable. In the world of social media, couples are surrounding you 24/7, every time you open your phone, there's a couple in some way, shape, or form. As if you don't have enough reminders already, this holiday really knows how to twist the knife a little bit into your already open wound.
I had a bit of a vent session a week or two ago where I just went on and on about how bored I am in my love life, so bored that I downloaded Tinder (and now refuse to acknowledge its existence in my phone), so bored that I drunkenly kissed a friend I have potential feelings for, so bored I wanted to kiss another friend who I know I could never be good enough for. Simply put, I'm bored as fuck and desperate for affection, but not as desperate as some/most people.
I have now been single since August, a whole six months. Although I feel like I've been single a lot longer than that considering the absolute shitshow of a relationship I was in last time. Being single is boring when you're not one to play around with it, or when there's no possibility of love to sneak up on you. So, Valentine's Day becomes just as boring when you're flooded with social media posts reminding you of how boring your love life really is in comparison to those flaunting Hallmark card worthy captions.
I don't know where I'm going with this, but I guess I'm just here to say that tomorrow is another day, albeit a nationally recognized gaudy holiday, but yes, another day.
As I end this at 10:53 PM, I want you to remember that it's just a day amongst the sea of others and you should try to give it your best.
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