2.12.18
My stomach hurts. But why does it hurt? It shouldn't hurt. This shouldn't hurt.
She excuses herself, makes up an excuse, one that isn't plausible for the time frame she's gone.
It doesn't take twenty minutes to put grapes in a freezer.
Putting grapes in a freezer doesn't sound the way making yourself vomit does.
I watch her do this, and oddly enough, I envy her.
It's sick, it's horrible, but maybe it's a testament to just how downhill my mind is going and exactly how my body is following carelessly.
I express my concern in all the ways I can - I want to help, but really, what help can I give if I'm hurting just the same?
I see so much of myself in her it's enough to make me cry - sniffles and chewing gum, the smell of vomit lingering every so slightly, the red marks of teeth on knuckles, the jokes that slip past her lips and curl around my ears, sending me into a flashback each time.
Her roommate is losing sleep over it, she's worried, she's sick, she's stressed - and suddenly I feel bad for all of the shit I've put everyone else through (except myself because I deserved it).
There was a bank account full of care and full of worry and now the currency has run out. There's nothing left anyone can do for me but watch as I destroy myself.
"Just try to get better, de."
The funny thing is - I was.
I genuinely was.
I hope the end from this is fast and painful.
She excuses herself, makes up an excuse, one that isn't plausible for the time frame she's gone.
It doesn't take twenty minutes to put grapes in a freezer.
Putting grapes in a freezer doesn't sound the way making yourself vomit does.
I watch her do this, and oddly enough, I envy her.
It's sick, it's horrible, but maybe it's a testament to just how downhill my mind is going and exactly how my body is following carelessly.
I express my concern in all the ways I can - I want to help, but really, what help can I give if I'm hurting just the same?
I see so much of myself in her it's enough to make me cry - sniffles and chewing gum, the smell of vomit lingering every so slightly, the red marks of teeth on knuckles, the jokes that slip past her lips and curl around my ears, sending me into a flashback each time.
Her roommate is losing sleep over it, she's worried, she's sick, she's stressed - and suddenly I feel bad for all of the shit I've put everyone else through (except myself because I deserved it).
There was a bank account full of care and full of worry and now the currency has run out. There's nothing left anyone can do for me but watch as I destroy myself.
"Just try to get better, de."
The funny thing is - I was.
I genuinely was.
I hope the end from this is fast and painful.
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