1.3.18

What do you do when everyone has a person except for you?
When she has him now,
and she has her,
and she tries to have me but I just can't let her.
I just can't fucking let her.
She texts me every day,
things like,
"Just checking in, are you okay?"
Like I really am the ticking time bomb that I imagine myself as.
Or things like,
"Make sure you eat something!"
Little reminders,
too many reminders,
too much doting and cooing and too much of an effort to take care of me.
I don't need to be taken care of,
not like this.
I want someone I could go to,
someone who could come to me
first.
I want to be someone's first choice,
just for once, for fucking once,
I want someone to choose me first
before anyone else.
I wish I could be someone's first choice,
but I'm not even my own first choice.
I'm the last option on the list,
whether the list is long or short.
I just want to have a person,
because right now my list is non-existent,
because my person is not mine anymore.