1.31.18
I can't even walk out into the kitchen without thinking about you.
I was standing there, filling up my water bottle, and then it started to overflow; cold water running over my hands holding the bottle because my mind was trapped in a river of rushing thoughts, each one passing by contained a scene of us.
I began thinking about the time when I was watching your hair extensions while you were out driving a drunk person home to score us alcohol. When you got back and saw me leaning up against the wall, sitting on the floor, you said, "You could go to bed, you look tired."
And I was tired-- I was so fucking tired, and I had an 8 AM test, but I was willing to stay up there, waiting up for you.
I wanted to see you one last time, just one last time.
Nowadays, I'm lucky if I even catch a glimpse of you, and whenever that happens, your gaze isn't warm like it used to be.
It's colder than the winter wind outside, it's icier than the chilliest depths of that heart you have hidden deep inside your chest. You break off those icicles growing and hold them to my throat, threatening to stab.
I miss the warm arms you held me with, carelessly, recklessly, without even a second thought. Your arms hugged me with such ease, nothing else in the world mattered.
Then I started thinking about that one walk we took.
I think about it so much now, every time I look out the window in one of my classes and see the driveway we walked down, seeing it from yet another perspective.
We walked together and I had a light jacket on despite the cold, you were so much warmer than I was but I just wanted to walk with you more than ever. You talked to me about living together next year and it made me so happy to think I earned a place in your life well enough to occupy a physical living space.
When it came to the thought of you, it really was the little things that mattered most. I'd be happy to just breathe the same air as you, or be the tiniest bit closer to you than compared to everyone else.
I was lost in nostalgic thought once I finally noticed the water was overflowing and overflowing and overflowing. My thoughts were overflowing, too.
Just like that, I miss you more than all the rest.
And all I was doing was standing in the kitchen.
I was standing there, filling up my water bottle, and then it started to overflow; cold water running over my hands holding the bottle because my mind was trapped in a river of rushing thoughts, each one passing by contained a scene of us.
I began thinking about the time when I was watching your hair extensions while you were out driving a drunk person home to score us alcohol. When you got back and saw me leaning up against the wall, sitting on the floor, you said, "You could go to bed, you look tired."
And I was tired-- I was so fucking tired, and I had an 8 AM test, but I was willing to stay up there, waiting up for you.
I wanted to see you one last time, just one last time.
Nowadays, I'm lucky if I even catch a glimpse of you, and whenever that happens, your gaze isn't warm like it used to be.
It's colder than the winter wind outside, it's icier than the chilliest depths of that heart you have hidden deep inside your chest. You break off those icicles growing and hold them to my throat, threatening to stab.
I miss the warm arms you held me with, carelessly, recklessly, without even a second thought. Your arms hugged me with such ease, nothing else in the world mattered.
Then I started thinking about that one walk we took.
I think about it so much now, every time I look out the window in one of my classes and see the driveway we walked down, seeing it from yet another perspective.
We walked together and I had a light jacket on despite the cold, you were so much warmer than I was but I just wanted to walk with you more than ever. You talked to me about living together next year and it made me so happy to think I earned a place in your life well enough to occupy a physical living space.
When it came to the thought of you, it really was the little things that mattered most. I'd be happy to just breathe the same air as you, or be the tiniest bit closer to you than compared to everyone else.
I was lost in nostalgic thought once I finally noticed the water was overflowing and overflowing and overflowing. My thoughts were overflowing, too.
Just like that, I miss you more than all the rest.
And all I was doing was standing in the kitchen.
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