1.2.18
It's been over twenty-four hours and my mind hasn't shut up about this.
Considering this, and the lack of everyone else around me willing to listen to my complaints, writing is probably my best chance at expressing these thoughts and feelings in a way that won't leave my body visibly scarred. I don't want to just numb this out-- I want to feel it.
To sit there and listen to him being excused, being blindly defended, being given the benefit of the doubt was not okay. I didn't realize how much I would be affected by such a conversation until I was sitting in it, looking down at an outdated Christmas catalog, silently wanting everything to be over. I prayed she would drop it, that she would take my unwillingness to communicate as a sign; that my discomfort would be deemed legitimate to her and the conversation would be dropped. But of course, that didn't happen. Why would what I want to happen, ever actually happen after all?
"You blocked him? Why? That's not good, you should unblock him. I would have at least explained why I was blocking him before I did it."
Yes, I blocked him. Why am I being questioned about this? Why can you not believe that my reasons were valid? Why am I not allowed to block someone I want absolutely no further communication with? Well, you're not me-- you didn't have to go through what I did, he didn't do to you what he did to me.
I admitted I talked to him on my birthday, but I couldn't remember much of it.
What little I do remember is that he deserved every ounce of everything I said that night.
Svedka speaks the truth.
I explained as best I could. But this still wasn't enough for you. Why wasn't it enough for you? Why do you expect a thorough, detailed, annotated explanation for my thoughts and feelings and decisions and their reasonings? I can't give you that. Not when it comes to this.
I struggled so much, just then. Because how do I say - "Mid-conversation, he pulled my body towards him, turned me over, shoved his hands down my pants and up my shirt, but I didn't say 'no' and now I'm forever haunted by it because it technically doesn't mean anything anyway."
How do I tell you that he didn't just "try to get into my pants," but he actually forced his way into?
How do I talk about this with an adult I'm supposed to trust without having a full-on breakdown about it?
This bothered me in so many ways; so many unexpected, unprepared ways. I felt powerless and silenced and invalidated, all wrapped up into one.
I felt so stupid for feeling this emotional about it, but I just couldn't help it. Whenever someone brings him up, that night is immediately what my mind is drawn to, it fogs it up, my insides feel like collapsing, my body feels hot, and I just want to get out of there as fast as I possibly can.
Why is there an unwillingness to believe me?
"He didn't care about me."
"Oh don't say that! He did."
You weren't in the relationship, you weren't there at all, you hardly knew anything about it. Who the fuck are you to try and convince me otherwise?
You weren't there as he's repeatedly messaged me, only while drunk and high.
You weren't there as he admitted he was fine and didn't care that I broke up with him, meanwhile I cried on the bathroom floor.
You weren't there as he refused to let me go home, as I repeatedly asked him, because according to him the night wasn't over unless he gained his selfish benefits.
You weren't there for any of this and the thousand and one more examples I could give you-- please don't pretend to know more about this than I do. If you're going to act high and mighty, miss know it all about anything, don't you dare let it be about this.
When I explained that he wouldn't let me go home, you tried to act like you knew what I meant, "Well of course, you just felt like going home." But that wasn't it, at all. I could've asked to go to Target, I could've asked to go to Albania, what I meant was-- I wanted to go home because I felt unsafe being alone in a car with him, not that I just wanted to go home-- I wanted to go anywhere he was not.
Considering this, and the lack of everyone else around me willing to listen to my complaints, writing is probably my best chance at expressing these thoughts and feelings in a way that won't leave my body visibly scarred. I don't want to just numb this out-- I want to feel it.
To sit there and listen to him being excused, being blindly defended, being given the benefit of the doubt was not okay. I didn't realize how much I would be affected by such a conversation until I was sitting in it, looking down at an outdated Christmas catalog, silently wanting everything to be over. I prayed she would drop it, that she would take my unwillingness to communicate as a sign; that my discomfort would be deemed legitimate to her and the conversation would be dropped. But of course, that didn't happen. Why would what I want to happen, ever actually happen after all?
"You blocked him? Why? That's not good, you should unblock him. I would have at least explained why I was blocking him before I did it."
Yes, I blocked him. Why am I being questioned about this? Why can you not believe that my reasons were valid? Why am I not allowed to block someone I want absolutely no further communication with? Well, you're not me-- you didn't have to go through what I did, he didn't do to you what he did to me.
I admitted I talked to him on my birthday, but I couldn't remember much of it.
What little I do remember is that he deserved every ounce of everything I said that night.
Svedka speaks the truth.
I explained as best I could. But this still wasn't enough for you. Why wasn't it enough for you? Why do you expect a thorough, detailed, annotated explanation for my thoughts and feelings and decisions and their reasonings? I can't give you that. Not when it comes to this.
I struggled so much, just then. Because how do I say - "Mid-conversation, he pulled my body towards him, turned me over, shoved his hands down my pants and up my shirt, but I didn't say 'no' and now I'm forever haunted by it because it technically doesn't mean anything anyway."
How do I tell you that he didn't just "try to get into my pants," but he actually forced his way into?
How do I talk about this with an adult I'm supposed to trust without having a full-on breakdown about it?
This bothered me in so many ways; so many unexpected, unprepared ways. I felt powerless and silenced and invalidated, all wrapped up into one.
I felt so stupid for feeling this emotional about it, but I just couldn't help it. Whenever someone brings him up, that night is immediately what my mind is drawn to, it fogs it up, my insides feel like collapsing, my body feels hot, and I just want to get out of there as fast as I possibly can.
Why is there an unwillingness to believe me?
"He didn't care about me."
"Oh don't say that! He did."
You weren't in the relationship, you weren't there at all, you hardly knew anything about it. Who the fuck are you to try and convince me otherwise?
You weren't there as he's repeatedly messaged me, only while drunk and high.
You weren't there as he admitted he was fine and didn't care that I broke up with him, meanwhile I cried on the bathroom floor.
You weren't there as he refused to let me go home, as I repeatedly asked him, because according to him the night wasn't over unless he gained his selfish benefits.
You weren't there for any of this and the thousand and one more examples I could give you-- please don't pretend to know more about this than I do. If you're going to act high and mighty, miss know it all about anything, don't you dare let it be about this.
When I explained that he wouldn't let me go home, you tried to act like you knew what I meant, "Well of course, you just felt like going home." But that wasn't it, at all. I could've asked to go to Target, I could've asked to go to Albania, what I meant was-- I wanted to go home because I felt unsafe being alone in a car with him, not that I just wanted to go home-- I wanted to go anywhere he was not.
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