1.13.18 | 2:26 am

"Do you want a glass of wine?"
for once, I didn't.
I had two glasses of expensive wine I didn't ask for. it tastes cheap on my tongue, every now and then a trail of it lingers in my mouth and I gag a little bit. two hours later the feeling has subsided, the scary territory of drunkness is a land I've escaped from.
two hours later I open the bottle of clear magic, sniff it, wince, and close it.
I do this repeatedly.
fuck, it's getting bad again.
it's too late to talk to anyone, everyone is now asleep.
I laugh as I type this because it's not like I had anyone to talk to even while everyone was awake.
today I left my phone on "do not disturb" and felt that heart-breaking feeling whenever I checked it to find no notifications, no messages, no indications that there's actually a soul out there thinking about me.
I'm on isolation island and I don't remember planning to come here, I don't know how I got here, I can't recall the plane ride or the boat trip, when did I book this ticket?
I just know I want to get off this island with nothing but desolate loneliness and screams that aren't responded to and cries that echo and echo and echo and echo.
fuck, it's getting bad again.
I open the magic bottle and this time, I don't sniff it, or wince, I pour myself two shots and kick them back without caution, listening to the nothingness of pounding rain outside.
fuck, it's getting bad again.
no, actually, not even "getting."

fuck, it is bad again.