10.6.17

I cry the entire way home from a two and a half hour saga of forgetfulness, the beautiful distraction I had been waiting for. I curse myself for crying, sobbing, breaking down like this.
Tears blur the road and I choke through sobs and screams.
I'm a broke college student, mooching off of my family, nothing to show for myself, the absolute epitome of a disappointment.
I don't understand why I haven't done it yet, what I'm holding onto when there's truly nothing here for me anymore.
They're all fine without me, all living so peacefully without me by their sides, the skies are so much sunnier when the storm is away.
I'm beginning to think I'm bad luck -- the physical embodiment of bad luck, a defective talisman that is completely, utterly, perpetually useless.
The hunger pains set in and god I've missed this feeling.
I thought I was getting to a good place but now my hands are shaking and itching for something sharp.
Why am I like this? Why is it all happening like this?
I come home and everyone is gone, they're all off having the fun I am incapable of having.
She's gone, head off into the opposite direction. I don't know when I'll see her again.
I don't know when I'll see myself again because I think I'm gone too.